A couple of weeks ago going through Dulles airport I opted out of the nude-o-scope, and the TSO that had been called over for my screening was clearly uncomfortable with giving me the full body rub and was trying to motion me to just go through the metal detector. But the guy who sent me over for the rub down was still watching, so he couldn’t get away with it. After I offered some bawdy talk about the process the screener became so visibly uncomfortable that he gave me the old-style pat down instead of the required enhanced one and sent me on my way.
Usually I manage to avoid the scanner by hanging back, fiddling with my stuff, so that I go through the checkpoint right after someone else has been sent in. And it generally works because I’m not hot enough for the screeners to want to send me in as a favor to whomever is watching in the pervert booth. I get a pass because I happen to be ‘next’ at the right time while the machine is busy. Sort of like the ‘random’ secondary checks they used to do at the jetway boarding each flight, you never wanted to be first in line or you’d be picked and you never wanted to walk through right after they finished screening someone else.
This morning I didn’t manage to time things right, and was picked to go through the nude-o-scope. At the Reagan National US Airways pier we’ve got Millimeter Wave machines, so not radiation risk as with the backscatter. That doesn’t make me want to go through them any more. When the Smurf asked me if I had my wallet and all other items out of my pocket and began looking towards the machine, I replied “Oh, no, I’m just here for the body rub.” The guy rolls his eyes, motions me through the metal detector and instructs me to stand alongside the x-ray machine while they call for someone to do the enhanced pat down.
I wait, and another screener starts to make chit chat, why don’t I want to go through? Another agent joins in the discussion, and the two TSA gropers start debating each other on whether there’s any radiation risk from the millimeter wave machine or just from the backscatter machine. I just ask whether they have a selection of oils for my rub down? They reply “Coconut and strawberry.” I then asked whether they had enough, since liquid rules wouldn’t allow more than 3.4 ounces. He laughs.
I wait. And wait. They make another call for someone to perform the pat down. Supervisor comes over and says, “Oh, I just make those wait.”
Another guy opts out. His girlfriend had gone through the nude-o-scope (likely picked randomly based on looks) and she starts getting agitated because he’s now waiting behind me in line for the pat down.
They call over for help, as we quickly have 3 males waiting to be groped.
The supervisor comes back over and says “I’m going to make them wait 5 more minutes.”
I mait. And wait. And wait.
Finally another screener comes over, introduces himself. He proceeds to explain what he’d be doing to me, and I offered in return that he was welcome to do whatever he wished but I won’t kiss on the mouth. He gave me a strange look and began to touch me up. I shook a bit and said “that tingles.” Then a few moments later, “oh, very nice!” As he finished I asked if I could make an appointment to go through again later. He laughed.
I was going to get information on the supervisor responsible for the retaliatory delay in screening, I had witnesses, but it wouldn’t have done anything and I really hadn’t left myself any more time that the process had already taken. My flight was boarding. So off I went.