Taking airline safety into your own hands

IMAO has some tips for fighting terrorism. A sampling:

    * If the guy seated next to you is named Al, watch him with suspicion; that’s halfway to Al Qaeda.

    * If someone tries to light a fuse on his shoes, that’s a sure sign of terrorism. Take away his lighter then hit him on the nose while firmly saying, “No!”

    * If someone takes out a boombox, quickly grab it and smash it over the person’s head. Even if he wasn’t a terrorist, what the hell is he doing with a boombox on a plane flight?

    * If you are worried that the people around you are terrorists, immediately alert the stewardess. She can give you booze which will make you much less worried.

    * The best defense is a good offense, so bring a shotgun on the flight. How do you sneak a shotgun on? When security asks you, “Hey, is that a shotgun?” say, “Only a dumb person would think this is a shotgun.” The security person will not want to look dumb, so he’ll just wave you through.

    * Also bring a bomb on board. If terrorists get up and start threatening everyone, you then threatening to blow up the plane if they don’t shut up. That will steal their thunder, and they’ll probably just sulk and then sit back down.

    * If the stewardess asks you to pay extra for your meal, that’s probably a terrorist plot; take appropriate action.

    * As in Die Hard and Passenger 57, the best way to avoid the initial terrorist attack is to be in the bathroom. If someone complains about you being in there so long, tell him you’re fighting terrorism.

    * If terrorists are attacking, you can turn common items into weapons. One is to take your palm and then curl up your fingers. This makes a “fist” which works well as a cudgel. You can also curl up the inflight magazine and bop terrorists on the head with it. It won’t do much damage, but it will be kinda funny. Bop! Bop!

    * If you are about to fight a terrorist in hand to hand combat in the aisle, first yell to him, “You’re about to experience some major turbulence!” because that will be so cool.

About Gary Leff

Gary Leff is one of the foremost experts in the field of miles, points, and frequent business travel - a topic he has covered since 2002. Co-founder of frequent flyer community InsideFlyer.com, emcee of the Freddie Awards, and named one of the "World's Top Travel Experts" by Conde' Nast Traveler (2010-Present) Gary has been a guest on most major news media, profiled in several top print publications, and published broadly on the topic of consumer loyalty. More About Gary »

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